Login

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

March 29, 2024, 12:56:53 pm

Author Topic: CONTEXT - ENCOUNTERING CONFLICT ESSAY critique pleaseee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Read 9421 times)  Share 

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

hard

  • Guest
'Conflict is born of ignorance, intolerance and fear   All the quotations are from SECRET RIVER This took me 1 hr and 10 mins

Deep in the antagonistic past of human civilization, unnecessary and ignorant thoughts have often led to the glorification and beginning of conflict. It is the inability of man to consider rationale thinking that has allowed fear to encompass the lives of many. Differences between individuals at a infinitesimal level are often used as the bases for the initiation of terror, hostility, animosty and intolerance.

Forming a choesive society is not alwyas a simple task. The mixture of people coming from different locations around the world, possessing different ideal or even having variation in skin colour can create nfear and intolerance within society. Friction between people arises as a result of an ignorance that isolates people from eachotherm "one white man to another," creating barriers due to intolerance. As mentioned in Basil Davidson's documentary Africa Different But Equal racism just srufaces as a result of the need for the justification of human slavery. Despite the fact that everyone is "simply skin" regardless of their colour, prejudice towards people with dark skin has become an intensly deep and depressing history of man. In the early to mid 20th century, African American individuals were classed as "savage," second rate citizens who were in between man and chimpanzee; a far cry from Charles Darwins theory in his book The Descent of Man, where he opposes racial rigidity and discrimination claiming all humans arose from the same species. Lack of knowledge and understanding is the cause for the white communities inability to recognize that the "shape of his (black man's) skull the same as his own." The mixture of the two cultures created fear as a product of ideologies that consist of utopian views where one civilization must be superior to another just because the blacks might have "no signs, no fences to say this is mine." It is clear that while cultural and racial prejudices are beginning to become history rather than a current conflict, if hostility and intolerance is present within society, the struggle for cohesion will become increasingly apparent while conflict will continue to survive.

Conformity and ignorance can often draw out tension for reasons with little value or rationale. Throughout history stretching back to the ancient egyptians, hierarchy has always been a source of power, control and fear. The pharaohs of Egypt in 2000 BC would often intimidate peasants to works and praise them by using tactics of dismay and freight. Warnings of "outrages" and "depredations" from the Gods would constrict the ignorant to believe anything they are exposed to. Essentially, this was also evident in the horrific past of the Catholic Church who would use "snarling lions" to evoke fear in followers. This created a hierarchal system where "men are ranged on top of each other" with "men sitting behind their mahogany tabl" and God on top, while ordinary citizens are left "always hungry." Men were placed on top of women in social standings. Constant lack of knowledge and anger at their treatment as "bastards" led to the sexual revolution in 1960 that saw woman become equal as men in the Catholic church. Silencing of individuals who would question the church became a regular routine which sourced the formation of factions that attempted to overthrow the Catholic church. Despite God being within close proximity to the Thornhills, they were "always cold" and no divine element came to their need during the "lean time for Thornhills." Throughout history, the unconcealed notion of class order has created conflict within society through actions that stimulate fear and naiveness.

Intense feelings within an individual can often become the central element that builds anger, bigotry and animosity towards others. Eventually this is released into the physical world. The exposure of such personal experiences can lead to the upbringing of conflict. People may "turn away from the truth;" the difficulty of facing reality becomes an extreme that is difficult to comprehend with. I have once been the victim of such experiences, fearing that the things you see in the theatre have become apart of my life. It has been a year and still I can never "glance" towards my father. The slow fabrication and anger towards this man once called father has become the product of ignorance and intolerance in his views. I never thought to leave to a boarding school, but from an early age my inability to exercise my right has created a barricade between us. The "pretense" that my hate towards father "did not exist" was constantly overshadowed by memories of his complete control over my actions, giving me no freedom, no closure and no childhood. The faint words that he uttered to me when i was still small and benign "you can count on me" scream a far cry from reality where i was left to deal with the harsh reality of leaving home unwillingly. This lifelong resentment towards this man has escalated to physical conflict as i come of age, but nevertheless it is a "sentence to be endured." Fear, terror, innocence and young ignorance where the qualities that i once possessed which gave birth to the now in-detachable conflict within me.

The effects of struggle within society is often not met with physical violence, but at times this become the only route to eradicate "fear." Ignorance within the white community towards the aborigines meant that they viewed them as "aliens" not being able to see that it is just culture that differs between the two races. Smasher Sullivans constant need to incite animosity towards the black people see him become fueled with the need to "sterminate" them. Intolerance of each other leads to the poisoning of Dawson's Creek, a "baby's head crushed purple," influencing Thornhill to do only what the "worst of men would do." There have been physical torment and atrocities in the cruel past of humans which can be seen in America's failure to accept Iraqis cultural and political values. Many lives have been lost with nothing but vain intentions and  abhorrence as the sources of hate and strife.

Creating a society where individuals are compelled to look, beheave or act in a certain manner can often instigate conflict. The need to obtain authority over others, interpersonal conflict and cultural differences are also causes of tension. Nonetheless, it is the failure of humans to accept, learn, understand and appreciate differences that elicits fear within society. As a result conflict is born and "hope" is destroyed.

« Last Edit: October 17, 2009, 09:26:59 pm by hard »

emkate

  • Victorian
  • Trailblazer
  • *
  • Posts: 34
  • Respect: +1
ok this is a really well written essay so i honestly cant find much to critique! you obviously know the text well and the quotes are worked in fluently.. id give u a 9 or 10 for this if it was me..ur definately on ur way to that 47 in english :)
2008:
PE [44], Sport and Recreation

2009:
Methods, Chemistry, Biology, English

Enter: hopefully mid 90's

vamsiaus

  • Victorian
  • Forum Regular
  • **
  • Posts: 92
  • Respect: +1
Nothing much to comment on really. The structure is nice, expression and vocab are good. Just one little thing though:
don't refer to coloured people as black people and white people, you don't know how your assessor may react to it.
2008:
Business Management
2009:
English, Maths Methods, Specialist Maths, Physics, Chemistry

vamsiaus

  • Victorian
  • Forum Regular
  • **
  • Posts: 92
  • Respect: +1
yea I think that'd be alright.
2008:
Business Management
2009:
English, Maths Methods, Specialist Maths, Physics, Chemistry

lacoste

  • Victorian
  • Forum Leader
  • ****
  • Posts: 973
  • Respect: +2
Great essay, I would give it 9-10, had to use the dictionary to look up some words.

Your introduction is clear and concise and leads to a broader discussion.

costargh

  • Victorian
  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 170
  • Respect: +2
Very good essay hard. Maybe you would like to try improve your topic sentence for the first body paragraph. Thats the only thing I can think of at the moment. The second sentence in the paragraph seems to be the true topic sentence. I'm not entirely sure if examiners care if your true topic sentence precedes a short introductory sentence. For structure though, I personally preferred having the topic sentence right at the start. It just felt more correct.

 A solid 9 I would say (I'd find it difficult to give anyone a 10 when I'm not familiar with their text and context so take that as a compliment.)

costargh

  • Victorian
  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 170
  • Respect: +2
Um im not too sure how examiners would warm to quoting like you have. Your style is definetly differnt.  It may be viewed as forced. I personally preferred the introduction first body paragraph and topic sentences over the things like where you go on to hating your father and incorporating words/phrases from the texts. It did seem sort of out of no where. That could work in your favour for taking that angle, I'm not sure.

I think what you should do is try and simplify your structure and form a bit. Do you want it to be an expository or do you want it to be a creative piece? It seems like you start as expository but move into creative. I have no doubt that this is the intended effect, I just question how effective it will be.

Simple things like changing from an essay style to using the personal pronoun "I' TO ME just seems weird, for a VCE context piece anyway (at University I have personally used this style, as requested by the chief examiner, to undertake ethnographic research on myself and to write it up). If you do want to incorporate this style I would suggest that either in your introduction or your first body paragraph, you incorporate this choice to use a first person voice. It just takes away the 'weird factor' of suddenly seeing personal pronouns three paragraphs into the essay wiithout explanation.

I'm a pretty... anal? person when it comes to English. Things that annoy me may not neccesairly piss an examiner off, but they may. My suggestions however, I think, eliminate the chance of an examiner finding your style/form inconsistent. 

For the reason of your essay being what I would class as a 'high risk' approach, I would expect this to get anywhere between 7 and a 10 (with it being a normal distribution). Only because you might get one examiner who goes NOO BADD, YOU CANT JUST DO THIS AND CHANGE THINGS ETC ETC... or you might get someone who is like WOW CREATIVE etc
If you want me to elaborate any further on any poiints I have made just ask.

costargh

  • Victorian
  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 170
  • Respect: +2
I sort of gave two options before.

Either,

1. Keep the way you have done it. But incorporate your first person voice into your intro and/or opening body paragraph

OR

2. Scrap the first person voice altogether and stick to the way your first paragraph was.

I personally LOVED the intro and first paragraph, perhaps because it reminded me of my own writing ( :P conceited much?) ... but also because I think I proved that my sort of model works (although I didn't get a SoM, I'm guessing I did ok in the context part).

I just think the first option (1), is riskier but could pay dividends, just need to tweak it a bit so its not a mass shock when half way through the essay you out of no where start to use first person.