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M_BONG

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VATE 2012 Language Analysis
« on: October 25, 2014, 08:59:48 pm »
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Can someone please read through my Language Analysis please?

Cheers :)

Article URL provided: https://year12englishssc.wikispaces.com/file/view/2012+VATE+English+exam-final.pdf

Also, I know this piece isn't perfect. Few typos here and there, haven't fixed it up or anything. Purely what I written under exam condition with no edits  so criticism/feedback/a mark welcomed!
« Last Edit: October 25, 2014, 09:02:24 pm by Zezima. »

o'doyle rulz

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Re: VATE 2012 Language Analysis
« Reply #1 on: October 26, 2014, 12:57:19 am »
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The transition from adolescence into adulthood that is concomitant nice word choice with year 12 has encouraged careful discussions and debates over the imminent life choices that need to be made to make this transition smooth good intro do demonstrate your understanding of the piece . In a speech entitled “Friendships and Focus in the Slow Lanes” given by school counselor Alison Layne, to a group of VCE students at Alwell college, the responsibilities and expectations of these year 12 students are outlined. bit iffy but still works exactly how it needs to, IMO I would have probably started with "Alwell College School Counsellor, Ms Alison Layne, in her speech... (u get the drift)" In an affable nice nice and relatable manner, Layne tries to position herself as a peer on an equal level to the students such that she is able to highlight the importance of year 12 to her audience. In doing so, she contends that numerous life choices during the year that need to be made wisely, support and friendship need to be given alongside wise nothing wrong with what is being said here, but just reading "wisely" and "wise" just reads awkwardly and prudent life decisions. To provide an illustration of her viewpoints, there are two accompanying slides – one of an end-of-year celebration and another of a crashed, deformed car. good word choices throughout the sentence; however, just to make it read a little better, simply saying "to illustrate her viewpoints" rather than having "ion" words can just jazz it up a lil, no biggie doing what you've done but just reads a little better :)

Alison Layne attempts to present herself as relatable, by showing genuine interests and concerns for her audience’s wellbeing. The repetition of the phrase “I wonder” three times in three consecutive sentences alongside the rhetorical question “it’s exciting, isn’t it?” immediately positions herself as a curious, caring counselor (always go with how it is spelled in the piece, 'Councellor') who is not there to lecture her audience, but to show genuine support you introduce this paragraph speaking of her being "genuine" but your evidence kinda lacks specifically HOW Layne is potraying herself this way , prompting attention and interactivity. In doing so, Layne creates an affront google defined this word and it says "an action or remark that causes outrage or offence.", which kinda tells me that might have just been bad word choice... but this is a pretty important word to your point, so it does take away from your analysis here that she is affable through suggesting that it is a “pleasure” to give her speech and she “enjoys this”. Good example here, but you don't go into depth as much as you could regarding this point. Why does she tell the year 12s that she finds pleasure in giving her speech? How does it make audience members feel about her, and her passion.. after touching on that, your next sentence looks mint Her audience is thus more likely to be appealed by her interactive speech, which is accompanied by her sensitivity for her audience. By asking the audience to give her “an indication with hands” whether they have attained their drivers’ license, Layne universally includes her audience as part of the discussion. Her audience may thus be prompted to look around the room to see who has raised their hands, creating an inclusive ambience solid word choice here!, such that her contention of friends looking out for one another – like peers looking around the room – is successfully communicated.

Having built a rapport (again, showing some nice, appropriate language) with her audience, Layne immediately creates caution (idk if i am reading it wrong (its 12am and i should be asleep.) But your first couple of words seem to suggest that BY doing (x), Layne can do (y), but her presenting the "bleak consequences" of being stupid in year 12 can be done regardless of her creating (x). Kinda seems to me that if you're gonna mention (x), you needa explain HOW (y) has more manipulative power of the audience.. i dont know if im making any sense here, so if you dont get it, its probably my fault ah by presenting the serious side of her speech – the bleak consequences of irresponsible and unwise decisions during Year 12. This is achieved by modulating to a more confronting manner as she introduces the anecdote of a student named “Phil”. The opposition of Phil’s parents for him getting his drivers’ licence due to his “academic woes” and “tendency” to be misguided suggests that parents, and other higher authorities, tend to be experienced and their decisions are founded upon substantive grounds. By portraying some of her audience who may think that this is merely “conservative” and forever “putting the brakes” Layne portrays using it twice like that is really noticeable and maybe just using "implies" instead will read better the dismissive and insensitive consequences of apathetic students as a bit (sounds pretty casual and opinionated here, instead of using words to demonstrate measurements like "a bit" or "too", just say the word instead, gives what you're saying more... punch.) naïve and perhaps too stubborn. In doing so, she (dont wanna sound too assertive in LAs, so just chucking in "potentially" before alienates can do a lot) alienates members of her audience who “find this amusing” as callous and immature Really good what you're saying here, but seems like its cut a little short and doesnt give it the justice it deserves. What impact will feeling immature have on some of the students? through bringing to life the “true story” of Phil’s car crash and the costs of it, including his car being “written off, license revoked, stressful court appearance and the costs of it”. Together, this litany of consequences reads like one thing leading to another to a ‘domino effect’ – a never-ending cycle of consequences. (this is just me, but your use of hyphens is a little too much and takes away from the good writing, like you've chucked them in a hefty amount and they should only be there in rare situations.. idk, if it works for you then go right ahead. But as i read it, im thinking "why do they keep using hyphens... and if that were an assessor's thoughts they could be put off by it) other than that, a momentous 'domino effect' was a nice pick up.. but what does it DO to the audience? they could be overwhelmed by such a story etc  Thus, the audience is made to see the “foolish” decision-making by some – a word that connotes a person who is stubbornly stupid (unsophisticated word choice here) and going astray as a result of not realising their own mistakes. In doing so, Layne alienates (too assertive in what's being said, that being - they might not feel alienated. we can't just assume that stuff ya know?) these “fools” as a minority and “idiot(s)” with “minority” suggesting that they are at the fringes of society, unwanted and not fitting in to the audience. The pejorative tone wicked word choice of the word “idiot” accentuates this as the audience may be encouraged see, that's a lot better than saying they WILL be encouraged... they may, nice!to ridicule, feel disgusted or dismiss these imprudent decisions and be appealed by Layne’s contention to make wiser decisions. By following this through with “for every idiot, there are hundreds” who are “smart” – a word with positive academic connotations good good, but again, awesome stuff but you're not really analysing what this is doing. whats the significance of feeling smart? ppl wanna feel smart, right?  – Layne thereby places her audience with an onus of expectations: to act wisely and not become the “idiot” who does not “know the limits”.

Starting a paragraph with however makes me feel as if you're arguing something, which you shouldn't be, just using "furthermore" or "moreover" is suffice for an LA However, Layne goes further by expounding the excitement and significance of Year 12. The assertion that the upcoming year will have “exciting highs” and “lousy lows” depicts the year almost like a ‘rollercoaster ride’ try and avoid similes! the next sentence is an awesome description for why Layne uses such words – a tumultuous but satisfying experience with peaks and troughs. Thus Layne shows the importance of friends “looking out for each other”, creating a sense of intimacy and camaraderie amongst her audience. The italicised “these times” that her audience will need “good friends” create further prominence and the year as a “track” paints shouldnt use terms like "paints" because Layne, nor the words she uses LITERALLY paints anything. just avoid that sorta stuff, like i doubt they're gonna care that much but avoiding it can have your sentences look niceryear 12 as a journey with “track” suggesting that there is a clear, defined path that needs to be followed. Thus, her contention that “focus” and “smart choices” are required and these students need follow rules and expectations encumbered on them gains the attention of the audience. In prolonging this metaphor, the accompanying slide (two) that shows a car that has crashed and deformed at the crash site, especially the front of the car, suggests the need for foresightedness. (pretty waffly sentence which you could easily have made more concise. However, the link between the front of the car foresightedness is pretty sweet, but in this sentence reduces the good idea) and  By highlighting the car’s crash, especially its front parts, (again, nice idea but you're phrasing it all sloppy! talk about the visual as if u analysed the shit out of it (even if u may not have) - the focal point of the image being the front of the car, due to the angle of the photo blah blah blah... or even, what does the pole it is smashed into represent? possibly unsupportive friends because they block you from moving forward idk.. just baloney stuff with legitimate justification is enough)  Layne metaphorically suggests leadership not buying it. you can't really say this without legit justification, but Layne implying "moving forward" and the front of car is good analysis of the visual. leadership tho.. bit of a stretch without justifying it and moving forward as they metaphorically ‘drive’ their way into year 12, so they avoid crashing into the figurative “telephone poles” (kinda what i was saying but you say it so briefly its like a swing and a miss ): that they may encounter. This is compounded by the suggestion that “perhaps had Phil’s friends been more supportive”, things would have turned out “differently”. This suggests that if one of the student cohort “crash”, they will all be equally affected, like the passengers in Phil’s car, accentuating Layne’s contention that friendship and camaraderie nice word choice & relation to the contention  is paramount in year 12.

Layne balances the cautionary side of her speech with an optimistic tone about Year 12 finishing and the imminent transition into adulthood. Her genuinely sounding excited excitement? by asking “it’s exciting, isn’t it” creates buzz not the best description, you've shown some pretty gnarly vocab cmon, u can do better than that and anticipating amongst her audience, almost as if she is experiencing the year herself. This is accentuated with the accompanying slide 1 where a large mob of students dancing jubilantly depicted. Thus, Layne suggests that there is a reward from acting in a responsible manner. The suggestion that “markers of adulthood” awaits them creates anticipation but is subsequently moderated by taking things slowly in the “slow lane” – with the audience made to see a relationship between ‘slow’ and ‘safe’.  nicccceThe repetition of the phrase “we want” four times in four consecutive sentences show the demands of a year 12 students and affirms the need for a “slow lane” with the excessive demands affirming the need for them to “slow down”, with “lane” portraying a driver who needs to slow down out of their safety, or face ending up like Layne’s anecdote – Phil. The depiction of their “beige and brown uniforms” create nostalgia as they are “relegated to the dark recesses of the wardrobe” suggests that the year will be forgotten once it is over, with “wardrobe” connoting a place where things are abandoned and never seen again, encouraging her audience to cherish the memories and “friendship” of year 12 before they are fleetingly “replaced by board shorts or bikinis”. not bad here, but you are using a heavy amount of quotes here. Like, not a bad thing as such... but to me, using so many quotes, should also have you analyzing more. Because it's not like TR, in language analysis, the quotes are more so to be used in order to talk about what those quotes do/mean... at least that's how i have been taught   

Layne’s speech conveys the importance of year 12, and the satisfaction that accompanies its conclusion. However, "Morever" / "Furthermore" Layne suggests to the reader that making prudent and wise decisions, along with taking the right path into the transition of adulthood is required so that her audience can feel satisfied, be rewarded and unharmed by the whole experience.  good enough conclusion because you dont rlly wanna go any deeper than that,so yeah (i think) thats legit enough
 keep in mind, i am also a year twelve student so do not take everything i say to be legit. Because I am in the same position you are, but i do think i kinda know what im saying in my points, and feel that it will help better  your piece. In saying that, pretty decent analysis you have written. Despite weird phrasing, and lack of depth into some of the examples and techniques you present, you clearly demonstrate an understanding of the ideas and points of view presented. Furthermore (See what i did there), you do show effective use of language appropriate to the task, as well as have a lot of analysis of how language and visuals present a point of view/ persuade the audience. But you could easily go WAY deeper into the analysis rather than just write about what Laynes is doing. all about the What? How? and Why? deeper demonstration of what it can potentially do on readers would push this piece up in marks by ever so much. Overall, nice job!
and again, I'm no assessor. I'm just putting my opinion out there on what this LA might need to improve it! Nothing i say might be right ):  but i hope it is haha. Hope something among what i said helped, was trying to be pretty specific in most parts (super tired). 

brenden

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Re: VATE 2012 Language Analysis
« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2014, 10:32:07 am »
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Goddamn that's a lot of feedback. Quite a lot of it on point. Well done!
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literally lauren

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Re: VATE 2012 Language Analysis
« Reply #3 on: October 26, 2014, 10:34:02 am »
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And in gorgeous Christmas-y colours too, good work mate! :)

M_BONG

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Re: VATE 2012 Language Analysis
« Reply #4 on: October 26, 2014, 10:59:49 am »
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Thanks so much: amazing, amazing feedback. Can you correct my next LA as well? :)

 Your feedback is really detailed and you spot most common mistakes of mine - like nothing you say is unfounded, I have been told umpteen times to look more at the whys and whats and hows more, along with the need to remove some dodgy word choices!

Thanks for your help again!

EDIT: oh since I also have literally lauren and Ned are both here, can I ask one question?

Is it ever detrimental to a LA piece if we don't cover some important points that the writer has tried to convey? As can be seen from this piece, I was trying to cover more breadth than depth (hence four body paragraphs, I usually write three). Is it better to be more in-depth and miss out on a part of the article, or is it better to be more global and try to cover most things?

Cheers! 
« Last Edit: October 26, 2014, 11:04:01 am by Zezima. »

brenden

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Re: VATE 2012 Language Analysis
« Reply #5 on: October 26, 2014, 01:35:26 pm »
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Thanks so much: amazing, amazing feedback. Can you correct my next LA as well? :)

 Your feedback is really detailed and you spot most common mistakes of mine - like nothing you say is unfounded, I have been told umpteen times to look more at the whys and whats and hows more, along with the need to remove some dodgy word choices!

Thanks for your help again!

EDIT: oh since I also have literally lauren and Ned are both here, can I ask one question?

Is it ever detrimental to a LA piece if we don't cover some important points that the writer has tried to convey? As can be seen from this piece, I was trying to cover more breadth than depth (hence four body paragraphs, I usually write three). Is it better to be more in-depth and miss out on a part of the article, or is it better to be more global and try to cover most things?

Cheers!

I always approached it as 'depth' over 'breadth'. I remember after my 2012 exam, everyone was like "OMFG ALL THE ANECDOTES LOL COVERED SO MANY ANECDOTES" and I was like... Shit, anecdotes? I was busy analysing things that were going to get me marks. (Just kidding - but I actually didn't mention anecdotes specifically, although I did discuss some words within some anecdotes) - like, the criteria is "how well can you analyse language", not "how much language can you analyse". That being said, even when someone has written some really good stuff within their paragraphs, but they have three paragraph that only cover like 2-3 pieces of language, I do tell them to cover more - to 'increase the density'. So, it is about finding an appropriate balance, but it is absolutely unnecessary to take an extra 20-30 minutes to cover literally all your bases. Analyse the huge things - the images, a 300-word-long metaphor or something, but at the end of the day if they ask a rhetorical question and you don't pick up on it, no one is going to give a fuck. I'd always scale your focus more towards depth than breadth, because depth and specificty of analysis is what is impressive about an LA, but do try to cover enough stuff concisely that you can consistently demonstrate how much depth you can give (so, you almost need a bit of breadth to really show off your depth... that you can do it over and over - tha'ts impressive). So, focus on both, but depth is more important.
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o'doyle rulz

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Re: VATE 2012 Language Analysis
« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2014, 04:37:40 pm »
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you're welcome Zezima! I will probably be able to suss out your next LA if you like, I'm in the midst of my own stuff so I don't think I'll spend as much time on it, in comparison to the first :)

M_BONG

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Re: VATE 2012 Language Analysis
« Reply #7 on: October 26, 2014, 11:33:25 pm »
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Absolutely any feedback welcomed! In fact, would be really needed cuz I am a little bit stressed out about LA now...

Cheers.. :)


Article link should be here

https://year12englishssc.wikispaces.com/file/view/VATE%20English%202014%20Exam_Print%20FINAL.pdf/527158950/VATE%20English%202014%20Exam_Print%20FINAL.pdf

Random_Acts_of_Kindness

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Re: VATE 2012 Language Analysis
« Reply #8 on: October 27, 2014, 03:38:54 pm »
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Absolutely any feedback welcomed! In fact, would be really needed cuz I am a little bit stressed out about LA now...

Cheers.. :)


Article link should be here

https://year12englishssc.wikispaces.com/file/view/VATE%20English%202014%20Exam_Print%20FINAL.pdf/527158950/VATE%20English%202014%20Exam_Print%20FINAL.pdf

Hi,

I took some time to edit your work. But it is only my opinion. So you can do as you please with it.
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M_BONG

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Re: VATE 2012 Language Analysis
« Reply #9 on: October 27, 2014, 03:59:00 pm »
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Hi,

I took some time to edit your work. But it is only my opinion. So you can do as you please with it.
Cheers! :) You sound really excited or a little bit agitated by my writing, for some reason.

Thanks for taking the time and I definitely agree with large parts of your comments! :)

Random_Acts_of_Kindness

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Re: VATE 2012 Language Analysis
« Reply #10 on: October 27, 2014, 04:15:02 pm »
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Cheers! :) You sound really excited or a little bit agitated by my writing, for some reason.

Thanks for taking the time and I definitely agree with large parts of your comments! :)

Sorry,

I just generally get excited.

But there are two days left till the exam... so I am just worried you won't be able to fix it in time.

You seem to work hard, so I hope you do really well. 

:P
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