[English] Language Analysis - Stop Alcohol-Fuelled Violence...

[bennick18]

Hi, Could you please provide some feedback and suggestions for improvement for my language analysis:

Here is the link to the article, however the images are different :
http://www.canberratimes.com.au/comment/stop-alcoholfuelled-violence--its-killing-our-youth-20131202-2ym64.html

   Alcohol has become deeply embedded within Australian culture. The effects of excessive alcohol consumption have resulted in an increase of alcohol-related violence within this nation. The recent “king-hit” incidents including Sydney’s Kings Cross “one-punch”  episode which resulted in the death of Thomas Kelly has sparked much debate on the effectiveness of proposed alcohol-related violence laws. In the article, “Stop alcohol-fuelled violence – its killing our youth” (The Canberra Times, 3rd December 2013) Dr Jennifer Pilgrim relies on her expertise as a research fellow, informing the older generation of the ever-growing binge drinking culture that needs to be intervened with. Pilgrim suggests a variety of strategies including limiting alcohol advertising and sponsorship in settings where children are likely to be exposed, in an attempt to encourage the older generation to combat the growing drinking “norms” in Australia.

   Pilgrim commences her piece by placing the onus of these violent incidents onto alcohol. By using words such as “tragic”, “alcohol-fuelled” and “devastating consequences” relating to these instances of unfortunate incidents. These words connote a sense of melancholy and obligation. She does this in an attempt to evoke feelings of injustice and fear amongst readers indicating that if Australia’s culture for alcohol is not remedied, “devastating consequences” will occur. Pilgrim’s repeated use of “alcohol-fuelled” provides emphasis and reinforcement to the responsibility alcohol has on these horrifying incidents, thus, positioning readers to view alcohol as the main contributing factor for these acts of violence.  To further fuel her argument, Pilgrim specifies statistical evidence, “Ninety deaths ... by these senseless acts of violence”, seeking to incite moral obligation amongst the older generation to help protect the youth from violence. The word “senseless” is chosen as it connotes a sense of ignorance and recklessness towards the youth of Australia as the author ultimately intends to encourage matured Australians to curb the nations’ binge drinking culture.

   Maintaining her stance, Pilgrim continues by isolating the blame onto “alcohol alone” from other factors reinforcing it with a case-study published in ‘Drug and Alcohol Dependence’ evoking a sense of reassurance and validity amongst readers. According to the case-study “alcohol intoxication” not only increases the risk of the attacker but “substantially increases the risk of being a victim”, this aims to position readers to associate negative connotation of the word “victim” such as danger and violence  with alcohol consumption.   Thus, readers are inclined to view alcohol as both harmful to the offender and victim and evoke feelings of caution and apprehension. Pilgrim chose to include a graphically disturbing image depicting a young man who has been brutally assaulted, providing a visual representation of these “king-hit” incidents. She does this to induce anxiety and trepidation in order to act as a supplement to her previous argument on how alcohol consumption increases your risk of being a victim.


   Pilgrim concludes her piece cogently by encouraging readers that Australia “need(s) a change in [its] drinking culture”, thus, evoking feelings of group responsibility and moral obligation to aid in reforming Australia’s binge drinking culture. To counter to those who may be sceptical, Pilgrim provides the analogy of how cigarette smoking was so prominent in Australian culture forty years ago and how it has declined to a mere ‘ 16 percent of Australians smoke’ highlighting the success of the past and providing a sense of promise and optimism. In the image depicting a young woman drinking alcohol symbolizing how alcohol has stripped her making her vulnerable, which reinforces connotations of Australia’s youth which include, reckless and ignorant, positioning readers to view adolescents as irresponsible and naive. Subsequently, Pilgrim enforces how, “generational change is ... key to a healthier future for Australia”, providing an uplifting contrast opposed to the current violent state, evoking hope that Australia can change to become a safer nation. She then provides strategies including, limiting alcohol on “Facebook and other social media sites”, hence, encouraging a cultural shift in “our(Australia’s) attitudes towards drinking”.

   Binge drinking has become a prominent aspect of Australian culture, with the growing amount of adolescents going out intending to get drunk there has been a substantial increase in the number of incidents of alcohol-related violence. Pilgrim argues on the effectiveness on the proposed laws and suggests other strategies to be implemented to combat Australia’s drinking “norms”.

[Blondie21]

Hi, Could you please provide some feedback and suggestions for improvement for my language analysis:

Here is the link to the article, however the images are different :
http://www.canberratimes.com.au/comment/stop-alcoholfuelled-violence--its-killing-our-youth-20131202-2ym64.html

   Alcohol has become deeply embedded within Australian culture. The effects of excessive alcohol consumption have resulted in an increase of alcohol-related violence within this nation. fix the contextualisation in the begginging. It stops pretty abrubtly... so just use a comma to combine the sentences The recent “king-hit” incidents including Sydney’s Kings Cross “one-punch”  episode which resulted in the death of Thomas Kelly has sparked much debate on the effectiveness of proposed alcohol-related violence laws. In the article, “Stop alcohol-fuelled violence – its killing our youth” (The Canberra Times, 3rd December 2013) Dr Jennifer Pilgrim relies on her expertise as a research fellow (?) to informing the older generation of the ever-growing binge drinking culture that needs to be intervened with. Pilgrim suggests a variety of strategies including limiting alcohol advertising and sponsorship in settings where children are likely to be exposed, in an attempt to encourage the older generation to combat the growing drinking “norms” I've been told not to use quotes in the intro!!in Australia.  ..Where is the tone?? I know your school/ teachers insist on tone being in the intro

   Pilgrim commences her piece by placing the onus of these violent incidents onto alcohol andd? what does she hope to achieve? This is your topic sentence. each point you make should relate back to her intention.. THIS IS how I was taught though... By using words such as “tragic”, “alcohol-fuelled” and “devastating consequences” relating to these instances of unfortunate incidents. awkward expressions.. doesn't flow well These words connote a sense of melancholy and obligation.do they? She does this in an attempt to evoke feelings of injustice and fear amongst readers indicating that if Australia’s culture for alcohol is not remedied, “devastating consequences” will occur. effect on reader?..what is Pilgrim attempting to achieve by using this technique?Pilgrim’s repeated use of “alcohol-fuelled” provides emphasis and reinforcement to the responsibility alcohol has on these horrifying incidents, thus, positioning readers to view alcohol as the main contributing factor for these acts of violence. mmmm ... and ?? To further fuel her argument, Pilgrim specifies statistical evidence, “ninety deaths ... by these senseless acts of violence”, seeking to incite moral obligation amongst the older generation to help protect the youth from violence. The word “senseless” is chosen as it connotes a sense of ignorance and recklessness towards the youth of Australia as the author ultimately intends to encourage matured Australians to curb the nations’ binge drinking culture. last sentence was definetely the best. good job!

   where is your topic sentence?Maintaining her stance, Pilgrim continues by isolating the blame onto “alcohol alone” from other factors reinforcing it with a case-study published in ‘Drug and Alcohol Dependence’ evoking a sense of reassurance and validity amongst readers. According to the case-study, “alcohol intoxication” not only increases the risk of the attacker but “substantially increases the risk of being a victim”, this aims to position readers to associate negative connotationdon't say this. not sophisticated. of the word “victim” such as danger and violence  with alcohol consumption.   Thus, readers are inclined to view alcohol as both harmful to the offender and victim and evoke feelings of caution and apprehension. Pilgrim chose to include a graphically disturbing imagephotograph depicting a young man who has been brutally assaulted, providing a visual representation of these “king-hit” incidents. She does this to induce anxiety and trepidation in order to act as a supplement to her previous argument on how alcohol consumption increases your risk of being a victim.

   Pilgrim concludes her piece cogently by encouraging readers that Australia “need(s) a change in [it's] drinking culture”, thus,too early to use thus evoking feelings of group responsibility not very sophisticated.. Author groups inclusively?and moral obligation to aid in reforming Australia’s binge drinking culture. To counter to those who may be sceptical, Pilgrim provides the analogy of how cigarette smoking was so prominent in Australian cultstralia , outlining the prominence of smoking cigarettes in Australia forty years ago and how it has declined to a mere ‘ 16 percent of Australians smoke’ highlighting the success of the past and providing a sense of promise and optimism. In the image depicting a young woman drinking alcohol symbolizing how alcohol has stripped her what do you mean?making her vulnerable, which reinforces connotations of Australia’s youth which include, reckless and ignorant, positioning readers to view adolescents as irresponsible and naive.basically - whaaat?.. I like the end. However, I don't understand the start Subsequently, Pilgrim enforces how, “generational change is ... key to a healthier future for Australia”, providing an uplifting contrast opposed to the current violent state, evoking hope that Australia can change to become a safer nation. She then provides strategies including, limiting alcohol on “Facebook and other social media sites”, hence, encouraging a cultural shift in “our(Australia’s) attitudes towards drinking”.

   Binge drinking has become a prominent aspect of Australian culture, with the growing amount of adolescents going out intending to get drunk there has been a substantial increase in the number of incidents of alcohol-related violence. Pilgrim argues on the effectiveness on the proposed laws and suggests other strategies to be implemented to combat Australia’s drinking “norms”.

You need to go into more depth and speak more about what the author is intending for the audience to feel/do/believe. Also you need to work on your topic sentences.. they are very breif. You have the potential to do well though. Good Luck!! BTW I am only a Year 12 student.. and therefore not a very credible source of info but hey it's some feedback.. we learn the best from one another.. right?

[walkec]

Hi Bennick18,
I have copied your analysis into a Word document and made suggestions for you.
On the whole, it was a good analysis. But I feel as if you focusses too much on the connotations of words, instead of how language is used to position the readers just as language (if that makes sense?)

Keep at it, and you will improve! 

Regards,
Walkec